After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
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Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.