Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
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My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
#catsoftwitter
Butt weight. There’s more!
A drum solo but on your face.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Thursday
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
my nickname in college
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.