Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
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Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King