How long do you have to wait between naps?
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[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Does it…does it take 3 days
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier