the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
You Might Also Like
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Free him
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry