I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
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My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
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[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
me refusing to leave twitter
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I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
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I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.