Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
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YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
This probably isn’t good
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon