If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
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Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees