Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
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My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
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Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
(more comics:
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth