Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
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Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
I love the National Park Service.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
In Canada they just call them geese
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.