*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
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Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
I put the mess in domestic.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.