The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
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I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
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If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
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Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀