The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
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My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.