We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
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Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*