If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
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The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Banking tips
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.