My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
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Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
This January has 47 Mondays
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!