This January has 47 Mondays
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Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Every haunted house movie:
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.