I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
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If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.