i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
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[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I need better friends