Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
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Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
pizza
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Usage Guidelines
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.