First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
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My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.