[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
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Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.