Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
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Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Cinematography is my passion
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.