Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
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Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*