[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
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You know…for fall…
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night