How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
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I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I’m not wrong
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.