Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
You Might Also Like
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
#merica
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
doing your own taxes
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.