This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
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My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.