65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
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The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
don’t we all
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Why I divorced her.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat