Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
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If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
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