Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
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My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.