ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
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Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.