I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
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Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.