Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

nothing like a slow cooked sausage

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]

Her: Hi!

Him, making a weird face: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …

Her: …

Him: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.