Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
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“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.