Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
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Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.