Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

Me: I wanna travel somewhere

My bank account: To the other room? or?

oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?