“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
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I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Chicago sounds lovely.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
What number SPF blocks people?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.