Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
You Might Also Like
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.