I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play ππ
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[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
So because my friend helped me move, now Iβm expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now Iβm worried I said something homeowphobic
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didnβt. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I donβt get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far⦔Eighty seven years ago our fβ
MARY TODD: Wait, waitβ¦Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
At times like this, I ask myself βwhat would Jesus do?β and then I hide in a cave for three days
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! Iβm great at dating
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
It was my daughterβs turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.