I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
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Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.