People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
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“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.