serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
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it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone