Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Me: *puts naked Barbie away.

‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!

Her:Freak!

Me:Did you feel–anything?

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

ME: Hi mirror

BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk

ME: Hi mirror

BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off