@VeganZebra

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*

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@blueeyesgreene

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

@iAmJuddy

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

@WheelTod

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

@eleniZarro

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

@HallpassCanada

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

@AnniemuMary

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

@DeadLioness

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

@PanettaSexyTime

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

@MicheleAKALips

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.