[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
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One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs