I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
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Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’