H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
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My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.