just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
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Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I have never heard an armadillo before.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
WTF IS THAT!
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.