My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
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it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
new record!
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
What personal space?
My dog