[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
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How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
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google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
A tragic love story in two pictures.
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“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.