ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
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WHY?!
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Thursday Thought.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant