[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
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Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.