her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
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Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
normalize having existential bread
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex